i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
