he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
