I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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