Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
