I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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