Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She bit a glass in half.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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