My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
