ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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