Cold hands, warm shart.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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