does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
