I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
