She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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