I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
