I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
