I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
