I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
