I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
