those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
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