It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
