Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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