Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
