my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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