I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
