Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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