if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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