I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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