The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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