I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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