I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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