I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
