Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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