just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
