Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
