I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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