i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
