Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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