Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
