I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
