I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
