i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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