Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
