hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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