he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Someone came in the potted fern
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I did not marry a roomba.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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