I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We were destined to go to rehab together
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
