Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
