I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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