The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
this will be a night to untag.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
