Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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