I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
