I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
