I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
