you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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