someone owes me an orgasm
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
