so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
