he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
