thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
